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commander shepard: (cr1tikal voice) i will go to any length to exterminate just one rachni. i will bodysurf through a tsunami. i will kickbox with a black hole. i will masturbate during an earthquake if it means i can rid the world of this creature’s foul stench. if the son of a bitch tries to run, i’ll follow it’s track of fuck and then squash it. if it tries to hide i’ll put my ear to the ground and listen for the sound of FUCK it emits, go to its location and squash it. once i see a rachni there is no escape. so to all the rachni on your six legs and shit, know this. if i see you, you better buckle your titties because you just signed up for a field trip to the petting zoo.

the signs as cr1tikal quotes

aries: you can turn that shitty knife into a titty knife.
taurus: fuck you and your formal attire.
gemini: most owls can turn their heads 270 degrees in both directions. this owl can fuck itself in all directions.
cancer: oh, okay. guess i’ll go fuck myself then.
leo: good evening. tonight’s special is the shit blizzard.
virgo: ah, just a little bit of ghost semen. a very common ingredient found in most beverages, so, might as well stick to the traditional.
libra: you will all feast on the fuck.
scorpio: his legs are trembling, his knees are weak, his mom’s heavy, put your vagina in spaghetti.
sagittarius: i’m ready to begin my journey with a full-fledged erection and a heart of ambition.
capricorn: this bastard just got re-atomized.
aquarius: serenade my candy ass, come on!
pisces:i would rather solve a rubiks cube using only my bare nipples than try to make that fucking jump.